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There is a strange kind of muscle memory in always being the one who says “sorry.”
It fires before your logic does. It arrives before you even understand the situation. It shows up like a reflex you never consciously chose but somehow trained your whole life to perfect.
You feel tension in the room before anyone names it. You hear the slight change in someone’s voice before they admit they are overwhelmed. You see a tiny shift in a boss’s expression and your body responds before your mind has time to interpret it.
And suddenly you are saying it again.
“Sorry, that was my fault.” “Sorry, I should have checked.” “Sorry, I didn’t want to bother you.” “Sorry, I probably misunderstood.”
You apologise when someone else bumps into you. You apologise when you speak up. Then apologise again in case you spoke for too long. You apologise for your feelings, your needs, your timing, your tone, your existence being half a beat off from what you think it should be.
Some days “sorry” feels less like a word and more like the fee you pay to exist around other people.
You are not dramatic. You are not weak. You are tired of carrying the responsibility for everyone else’s comfort on your shoulders.
The quiet damage of always being the one who apologises
From the outside, people think it is politeness. Softness. Manners. Being easy to work with.
They do not see the inner cost.
They do not see how your heart races when someone sighs. They do not see how you rewrite messages three times to avoid sounding demanding. They do not see how you blame yourself for things long before you even know what happened.
At work, overapologising becomes your unofficial job.
You smooth over awkward meetings with a soft laugh and a quick “oh that was probably my mistake.” You send emails that begin with “Sorry to bother you” even though asking is literally expected in your role. You try to make discussions lighter, easier, safer for everyone else.
On paper you look reliable. Inside you are erasing yourself one apology at a time.
Over years, this does something quietly cruel to your nervous system. It teaches you rules you never agreed to but somehow obey anyway:
“If something goes wrong, it is probably my fault.” “If someone feels tense, I should shrink first.” “If there is discomfort in the room, I must fix it.”
So when someone casually tells you to “stop saying sorry all the time,” they do not understand. It is not just a word. It is the shield you built to stay safe.
Where this reflex really started
You did not choose this. Your life shaped it for you.
Maybe you grew up in a house where the adults were always tired. Where stress lived in the walls. Where you learned that being easy to handle was the safest thing you could do.
You learned to read moods before you could spell your own name. You learned to monitor the atmosphere like weather. You learned that your needs should come second, third, or not at all.
And now, years later, you still carry that job description inside your body.
You apologise when your coworker snaps at you. You apologise for asking a question you needed answered. You apologise to avoid conflict, disappointment, tension, or even the possibility of tension.
You are not broken. You are simply running an old program that kept you safe once. You are allowed to upgrade it now.
How to stop overapologising at work without becoming harsh
You do not want to become cold. You do not want to become dismissive. You do not want to feel like you are pushing people away.
You just want to exist without apologising for it.
So you do not need a new personality. You need small, gentle shifts that slowly retrain your nervous system.
1. Ask yourself what you are really apologising for
The next time “sorry” rises in your throat, pause inside your own mind for one second.
Ask:
- Did I actually do something wrong
- Or am I apologising because I feel like an inconvenience by default
If you made a mistake, apologise clearly and calmly.
If not, the apology is an act of self erasure. You deserve better than that.
2. Replace “sorry” with simple truth
- Instead of “Sorry, can I add something” Say: “I would like to add something.”
- Instead of “Sorry for the late reply” when your reply is normal Say: “Thank you for your patience. Here is the update.”
- Instead of “Sorry, quick question” Say: “I have a question about this part.”
Neutral language is not rude. It is honest. It treats you like you belong in the room you are already in.
3. Let silence do some of the work
People pleasers rush to fill silence. Silence feels dangerous, like a sign that something is wrong.
But silence is just silence.
Your boss frowns at their screen. Old reflex: “Sorry, that must be my mistake.” New response: “I will check what happened and update you.”
Feel the difference. One sacrifices you. The other contributes without collapsing.
How to stop saying sorry all the time as an adult
It is strange how small you can feel inside a grown body.
You run a household. You work, you plan, you handle a thousand responsibilities. Yet one cold tone in a meeting can pull you back into that old version of you who tiptoes around everyone.
Here are a few questions that help interrupt that spiral.
Would I expect someone else to apologise for this
If your friend did exactly what you did, would you expect them to apologise If not, then your standard for yourself is unfairly high.
What feeling am I trying to avoid with this apology
Often “sorry” is a shield against:
- awkwardness
- disapproval
- conflict
- disappointment
The apology fixes the discomfort temporarily. But it reinforces the idea that being human is a burden.
What would I say if I believed I was allowed to be here
Maybe something like:
“I cannot take that on today.” “I see your point. I have a different view.” “This is not working for me.”
No drama. Just truth with steady breath.
Self respect habits for people pleasers who are tired of shrinking
Self respect is not loud. It does not announce itself. It shows up in tiny choices that slowly rewrite the story you live in.
Habit 1: Keep your posture when you speak
Notice what your body does when you feel like you might be too much. Do your shoulders fold Do you shrink into the chair Do you lower your voice
Next time, keep your body where it naturally is. Normal posture. Normal volume. Normal presence.
It will feel wrong at first only because you are used to disappearing while speaking.
Habit 2: Remove “sorry” from neutral communication
- Calendar questions
- Project updates
- Clarification requests
These do not require an apology. They never did.
Habit 3: Practice one honest “no” per week
Something small. Not life changing. Just enough to remind your mind that limits are allowed.
Habit 4: Stop apologising for emotions
Feelings are not mistakes.
Instead of “Sorry, I am being silly,” try: “This is how I feel right now.”
Instead of “Sorry, I know I shouldn’t feel this way,” try: “My reaction makes sense based on my experience.”
A few soft tools that help when unlearning overapologising
On the nights when my mind replays every conversation, I do not need more advice. I need something that tells my nervous system it is safe.
- A gentle diffuser I use during slow evenings
👉 ASAKUKI Essential Oil Diffuser - A simple journal to write one thing I refuse to apologise for today
👉 Minimal Lined Journal
If you buy through these links, it supports my work at no extra cost to you. Thank you for even being here.
You do not owe anyone a smaller version of you
There will always be people who prefer you quiet, easy, apologetic. Let them.
There will also be people who exhale when you finally show up as yourself.
Most importantly, there is a version of you who is tired. Tired of shrinking. Tired of scanning. Tired of apologising for breathing too loudly in your own life.
You will still slip into old patterns sometimes. That is part of being human. You do not need perfection to deserve respect.
Every pause before an unnecessary apology is a quiet revolution. A tiny return to yourself.
Maybe it starts with this simple, tired thought:
“I did not do anything wrong this time. So I will not pretend that I did.”
Something gentle for when you feel yourself slipping again
And if you want something soft to hold onto for the days when work feels heavier than it should, here is the guide I made for exactly that moment: